you write such pretty words

I miss us.

2009-06-07T03:35:53Z

Sometimes I say your name
aloud
just so it feels like
you're still here.
And all of your clothes
are neatly hung
or tucked away now.
All of your little whiskers
aren't in the sink.
Your shoes aren't
by the back door
and the toilet seat
is always down.
It's not a matter of
being lonely,
it is a matter of
being without
you.
I walked down the
twisting road today,
the wind pushed me
all the way to the mailbox;
but you're still
not here.
Sometimes at night
when I can't sleep,
I inch myself
onto your side
of the bed
and wrap the blankets
so close
around me that
it feels like a hug.
I guess what
I'm trying to say
is that you could
put every boot
in the world by the back door
and leave the toilet seat up
every time
if it meant
you never had to go away.

-- CLR 6.5.09

I found the letter you wrote me.

2009-03-17T17:30:30Z

I found the letter you
wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
Penned on floral bordered stationary,
I was supposed to read it on my wedding day.
I was your "Dearest Daughter" then,
what made me change in your eyes?

I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
Your cursive words are shaky,
I wonder if you cried then
like I'm crying now.
You told me that you wished you
could be there to help me,
that you were sure I'd choose a good man.
I did, Mom.
"We don't know why things happen,
but I'm sure God knows."

I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
I was so little then.
You got a second chance, at life,
at loving..
But you traded in your laugh
and your good heart
for a chemical numbing.
Do you remember the long
summer nights we would spend,
staying up after Dad went to work,
we'd watch all the talk shows and
make jokes.
You were my first best friend.

No one understands why I can't let you go.

I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
You remind me of the days we spent
puddle jumping
and tell me that it's all going to be okay.
When is it all going to be okay, Mom?

I stood at an altar and
made a forever promise
as you watched from the pew.
But that woman wasn't YOU,
she's just someone that looks like you,
an empty cast,
a facade.

You are not the same Mom
that wrote this letter.
You forgot how to tuck me in
and you forgot my favorite color
and how to make my sisters stop hurting.
Where did you go?
Don't you remember writing,
"I love you today, tomorrow, and always."

Everyday, I see more of your
old-self in me.
I see myself aspiring to be the
wife you were,
and the mother you forgot how to be.
I look in the mirror and
I see your almond shaped eyes
and your high cheekbones.

Everything reminds me of you.

Nobody is perfect,
we are all flawed
and I tried so hard
to accept who you became, I tried to help you,
to bring you back;
But you abandoned me.
I tried to sift through your
little deceptions,
I tried to convince myself,
even when everyone told
me to run.

But in the end you
were carried away.
And you left me on the
greatest day of my life,
the day that I needed to have a mother
more than any other day.

I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
And it is all that I have left,
because the you I know
only lives on this paper and in my mind,
she's only captured in Beta video tapes
and kodak film.
She's timeless and
haunting;
And she's left the front porch
light on for me,
and I just want to go home.

-- CLR 3.17.09

When your lies unwind.

2007-10-28T01:24:37Z

How can you ask for forgiveness,
So now you think that your crimes are victim less?
I know you and your sins,
Your retributions,
So how will you lay your penance down?
We all pay in time,
So how will you clear your conscience when your clock unwinds?

I've heard enough of your forked tongue,
How do you know when the cuts are deep enough?
I know you like your stabs,
Your pre-emptive attacks,
But how will you hold your demons down?
We're all judged in time,
How can you seek redemption using alibis?

You ought to know better than to bait your jailor,
You ought to know,
You ought to know better.

Easy Way Out.

2007-10-10T22:53:33Z

Til you think you're being used
Cos' without an enemy your anger gets confused

I got stuck on the side you know I never chose

But it's all about taking the easy way out for you I suppose

There's no escape for you except in someone else

Although you've already disappeared within yourself
The invisible man who's always changing clothes

It's all about taking the easy way out for you I suppose
While I watch you making mistakes
I wish you luck, I really do
With the problem, with the puzzle
Whatever's left of you.
I heard you found another audience to bore
A creative thinker who imagined you were more
A new body for you to push around and pose
It's all about taking the easy way out for you I suppose

P.S. - One year from today I will be Mrs. Schultz!

Happy Birthday to Rilo.

2007-09-22T02:36:32Z

My little champ is 1 year old today.

How did he get so big?

:: single tear ::

HI.

2007-09-16T19:57:20Z

Thanks to Krissy, lovekrissy, "nudging" me I present you with an UPDATE on my crazy life. :: gasp ::

My parents' divorce in final, my mom won custody of the kids. I'm pretty sure she's insane. And I hope she reads this. My little sisters are growing up too quickly. Hilary started High School and Lindsey started Junior High. I'm old. My other little sister Ashley broke up with her parasitic boyfriend of 2 years. I'm overjoyed and hopeful. Tony got a transfer to Dearborn, MI and moved home from Ohio; my missing piece returns. We moved in together. We have a cute little apartment not far from our parents. We love it. He's messy and I have O.C.D., I am now dubbed "The ____-Nazi." Fill in the blank with any household chore or task that should be done.

The wedding plans are coming along pretty well. We set a date. 10.10.08. I wish it was today because frankly, planning a wedding is intense. We have 9 bridesmaids and 9 groomsmen. Huge family, long story. We have our ceremony site picked out and our reception venue booked. Weddings are expensive. There is so much to do. I'll make a post with pictures and stuff later.

THE FUN STUFF

We went to the Renaissance Festival with Jen jenniferdunn and her husband Scott and our friend Yanni for Scott's birthday and Jen's early birthday last Saturday.

We met up at Jen and Scott's because Tony hasn't seen Owen in FOREVER.

Cutie nephew Owen (Jen and Scott's son).

Dragon? Near Tony? Kodak moment.

We all piled in Jen's Hot-Soccer-Mom-Mobile and headed to her parents to drop off Owen.

Confused Owage.

Happy Owage.

WTF Uncle Tony?

Then we dropped Owie off at Jen's parents and we were on our way. We stopped at 7-11 on the way there to get slurpies and Scott went in dressed in his garb while the rest of us were in our plain clothes. Hilarious to me.

Yanni. Scott. Tony.

Jen and I.

Jen and I split a Broccoli Cheddar Cheese soup in a Breadbowl. HEAVENLY.

Tony and I.

Then the camera stayed in the purse for a while, some archery happened, some alocohol happened, and then off to get Henna!

Twinsies.

Then we left, I THINK. Tony was our D.D. and we headed off to Yanni's restaurant for some din.

Me and Yan-Bon, our Greek friend. Fork in zee road, dead fish upside down...

Having too much fun in the back seat obv.

"Hey Yanni?!"

"I stole your hat."

And Jen is gangster.

THE END.

Daddy's Day.

2007-06-18T22:49:27Z

The rest to follow..

You're going to want to read this.

2007-04-11T02:15:12Z

We went to the The Detroit Institute of Arts.

She woke from a dream.

Her head was on fire.

Why was he so nervous?

He took her to the park,

she crossed her arms

and lowered her eyelids.

Someday

somebody's gonna ask you

a question

that you should say "yes" to

once

in

your

life.

Baby, tonight...

I've got a question

for

you.

...

...

Then we had reservations at my favorite place ever The Fondue Room.

We are there so often that the staff knows us well. Regulars if you will. So we are brought to our table and begin our meal. Our server is a sweetheart named Angela. Our cheese fondue comes out and it is delicious. We finish the course and Tony and I are talking. I bring up the prior weekend and ask him, "Don't you wish it was last weekend? I'm really sorry about being a brat about such and such and I wish I could take it back." He looks at me with a coy smile and says, "Why think about the past, when we have the present?" I am obviously confused and in some kind of slow motion whirlwind he gets up from the table and walks over to my side. Gets down on one knee..

AND ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, when he got up to go to the restroom (twice) he slipped the manager his parent's camera.

She'd had no idea

And started to cry

She said "in a good way"

He took her by the hand

Walked her back home

And they took the long way...

From there, Tony took me to a little engagement party that he had planned for us. All of my family was waiting..

Little sister Ashley baked and decorated a beautiful cake for us.

Estranged mother brought us a dozen white-ish roses.

There is so much more to tell and write.. But I am still in SHOCK!!

So I guess you want to see my RING?!?! ZOMG fhdsjfkhdsj.

Sparkly.

Someday, somebody's gonna ask you

the question that you should say "yes" to

ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

Maybe tonight I've got a question for you

I've got a question for you...

Stoney Creek. 03.30.07.

2007-04-06T14:29:44Z

There are times that walk from you

like some passing afternoon.

Summer warmed the open window

of her honeymoon.

And she chose a yard to burn

but the ground remembers her.

Wooden spoons,

her children stir

her Bougainvillea blooms.

There are things that drift away

like our endless, numbered days

Autumn blew the quilt right off

the perfect bed she made.

And she's chosen to believe

in the hymns her mother sings.

Sunday pulls its children from

their piles of fallen leaves.

There are sailing ships that pass

all our bodies in the grass.

Springtime calls her children

'till she let's them go at last.

And she's chosen where to be,

though she's lost her wedding ring

somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds.

There are things we can't recall,

blind as night that finds us all.

Winter tucks her children in,

her fragile china dolls.

But my hands remember hers,

rolling 'round the shaded ferns --

Naked arms,

her secrets still like songs I'd never learned.

There are names across the sea,

only now I do believe.

Sometimes, with the windows closed,

she'll sit

and think of me.

But she'll mend his tattered clothes

and they'll kiss

as if they know

A baby sleeps

in all our bones,

so

scared

to

be

alone.

First Street Garden Inn.

2007-02-20T03:23:32Z

So this weekend Tony made the trip up from Ohio and then we drove together to Ann Arbor for the weekend. We rented a suite from a Bed and Breakfast in the downtown area called First Street Garden Inn. I didn't take as many photos as I was originally planning on. I guess some of the best memories are made when your eye isn't behind the lens.

We decided to take the Cavalier, but because of the cold weather my tires have been low lately, so we had to stop off and get air for the tires. We tried 3 different gas stations before we found an air hose that worked.

EXHIBIT A: The Patented Hit-It-To-Make-It-Work.

We got a car wash.

And we were on our way.

The drive was relatively short and easy because I had made it so many times before. My memories unfolded mile by mile. It was very surreal.

We arrived in Ann Arbor and found the BnB.

The website that the Inn has set up truly does not do the place any justice. It was filled with antiques and a lot of French flair that I couldn't help but love. For goodness sake, there was a FRENCH WEDDING magazine in the sitting room. I was mildly obsessed.

Kathleen, the hostess, was very inviting and showed us to our room. When I walked in, I could see that Tony had had her set everything up for us: A super soft Teddy Bear (that I drag everywhere), a bottle of 2001 Riesling from Germany, a dozen red roses.

The best bottle of Riesling I've ever had.

It has personality, I think.

(Taken on the day we left, but I love this chair)

The sink was incredibly ornate, I felt bad brushing my teeth.

I gave him a couple gifts that I didn't get pictures of, but I will later because I made them and I want to show you.

But here's the outside of the card I made anyhow.

Another fancy thing you could find everywhere around this BnB was stained glass. Gorgeous and unique.

They also had another thing that I loved.

CABLE.

Oh sacred remote, how I love thee. I love to press thy buttons and watch thine MTV. "Engaged and Underaged" is my new guilty pleasure. These kids are so dysfunctional and young! I LOVE IT.

We planned on going out to fancy pants dinners and stuff, but we ended up relaxing most of the time. However, we did brave the cold a couple times. Once to go and get massages that I arranged, and a couple others to walk the town.

Self-timer.com

We ended up going out to eat Saturday at The Arbor Brewing Co. which had a lot of hippies, a lot of dreadlocks, and chicken that scratched the roof of my mouth.

Overall, we had an amazing time.

And since I know that I can't let you down with all of this boring stuff..

US MAKING FACES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL WEIRD.

Awkward Smiles that creep you out.

My "don't make fun of my faces" face, and Tony's "What I'll look like when I'm 80 face".

And that's that.

Re-post.

2007-02-20T01:31:37Z

Happy Valentine's Day.

Somehow, this got lost in the interweb. So this is a re-post. I was bored. :)

Stolen from Jen!

2007-02-15T00:20:55Z

Ask me 5 questions you want to know and I will answer them in a seperate post.
Ask anything at all, I will answer.

Kill your doubts.

2007-01-29T04:06:09Z

On November 11th, come alone.

Bring your mouth
And selective irreverence
We'll both see stars, just

ONE!
MORE!
Tongue!
Kiss before the sky falls
Out
From
This cloud we're hovering on
To send us off

A kiss to send us off.

Kill your doubts
with the coldest of weapons
confidence
No more words,

Just the sound of the splendour
tongues colliding.

A Present.

2006-12-21T04:55:36Z

Happy Hair Extensions Everyone! Tony's sister Mikele did them for me. I guess my weave will last two weeks, however I don't think I can handle this hair-glued-to-my-head stuff for that long.

A "Photobucket" Survery - Inspired by Jen :)

2006-12-20T00:48:17Z

The oldest picture from your album:

The most recent:

Click on the 3rd page and put the 4th picture:

Click on the 5th page and put the 8th picture:

Think of your favorite number. Click that page and put the last picture:

Add the 2 numbers in your age. Go to that page and pick the 12th picture:

Put your favorite picture in your whole album that is not a person:

Put your favorite picture in your album that is of yourself:

Put your favorite picture in your album that is of your friend:

The shoot/hair makeover(lol) I did with jenniferdunn when she was pregnant with Owen. She's beautiful and glowing.

Think of your birth month. Go to that page and put the 12th picture:

Click the page of the number of your address (or add up the first two numbers) and put the 6th picture:

Go to the 13th page and put the 13th picture:

Lucky 13.
Go to the 3rd page and put up the funniest picture:

This picture is only funny because of it's title: QueenienBaby lol.

Go to the 7th page and pick the most beautiful picture:

My grandparent's wedding picture.

My Saving Grace.

2006-12-04T03:13:51Z

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me,
said you're just what she needs.

Nobody's Perfect.

2006-11-29T05:14:50Z

It's hard to wake up
when the shades have been pulled shut
this house is haunted
it's so pathetic
it makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
the words rot and fall away
what stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day

will you remember this night
twenty years now lost
it's not right

I came here expecting next to nothing.

2006-04-24T02:07:49Z

Participants all in black and white.
You enter in full blown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight.

If the world were to fall apart
In a fiction-worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here
Love is a verb
here in my room.
Yes, love is a verb
here in my room.

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world as seen from the stars.
If only the lights would dim a little,
I'm weary of eyes upon my scars

If the world were to fall apart
In a fiction-worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here
Love is a verb
here in my room
Yes, love is a verb
here in my room.

Pink tractorbeam into your incision
Head spinning as free as Dervishs' whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being "that" kind of guy.

You are what you love.

2006-03-17T01:19:03Z

This is no great illusion
When I’m with you I’m looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home
Because we live in a house of mirrors
We see our fears and everything
Our songs, faces, and second-hand clothes
But more and more we're suffering
Not nobody, not a thousand beers
Can keep us from feeling so all alone

The phone is a fine invention
It allows me to talk endlessly to you
About nothing disguising my intentions
Which I’m afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue
It's a sleight of hand, a white soul band
The heart attacks I’m convinced I have
Every morning upon waking
To you I’m a symbol or a monument
Your rite of passage to fulfilment
But I’m not yours for the taking

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
I guess that's why you keep calling me back

You miss my dumb faces, admit it.

2006-03-11T22:54:53Z

Cool kids never have the time.

I still wish you'd fought me.

2005-12-10T17:36:45Z

This is the first thing
that I've been able to write
since I left you.

I left you parked
in the lot beside
the business men
so many months ago.

You hid your face
so they wouldn't
watch you weep.

There's no humility in business.

I'm having a hard time
telling myself that this
is right.
Choking on unjust guilt,
I wrap my legs
around him and pretend
that it's you,
just to see how it feels.

I don't want him to know,
but it's never the same.

What's done is done.

My heart is undone.
And I keep running.

It's providence they say,
yet I still find myself
with shoeboxes of your
high school pictures.

I'm dodging the
bullets of your memory.

I'm hiding under old
silk coats,
waiting.

I've always been waiting.

Waiting for you to
come around;
for your sweet mouthful
of actions.

I don't know how
long it's been since
you cared.
All of the clocks have stopped.

And it all comes
down.
It all comes down to
me;
to you;
to me and you
and us.

I know that I walked away;
but all that I wanted was
for you to follow.

- 12/10/05 C.L.B.

icandi @ 2005-11-14T19:16:00

2005-11-15T00:20:50Z

I'm alive.

forever in debt to your priceless advice.

2005-07-03T02:44:17Z

I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks

I was drawn into your magnet tar pit trap

I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black

Man eating orchids forgive no one just yet

Cut myself on Angel's Hair and baby's breath

Broken Hymen of your highness I'm left black

Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back

icandi @ 2005-04-07T20:19:00

2005-04-08T00:22:36Z

Dear Everyone,

Cliche as it may be, I'm deleting everyone from my friends list and going completely friends only. If you'd like to be re-added, comment to my friends only post. If not, no hard feelings.

<3 Candice.